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**LONG ESSAY ABOUT MY WORK IN PORN** *trigger warning: menti..
🕑 Added 2022-01-21 17:03:46 +0000 UTC **LONG ESSAY ABOUT MY WORK IN PORN** *trigger warning: mentions bl00d.* Good morning from me and the cut above my lip! It’s only a half an inch long, small cut, but it sure blēd for hours (why are head wounds always so extra dramatic??). I had dropped my camera from several feet above my head right onto my face while shooting content a few days ago. My mouth immediately filled with blōōd and I thought I had broken a tooth. I started to cry because first of all, it hurt like a bitch, But then my crying became a meltdown. I found myself filming my talking to the camera, like a video diary...documenting the moment I was nearing burnout from this corner of the sex industry. I kept speaking while the blôöd rolled across my lip, down my chin, dripping into the palm of my hand. I was frustrated and verbalizing how I needed to shift my business model on OnlyFans asap otherwise I will need to walk away. I injured myself filling for my OnlyFans page on a day I should have rested. I was working on a new video I have been trying to get done for weeks...but can’t seem to finish. I keep stopping and walking away from, deleting the footage, feeling triggered and not present enough to be that sexual. I keep telling myself “*I’ll come back to it when I feel more inside my body, more in the moment, more inspired to be this intimate and raw on camera*”. So earlier, when this incident happened, I was trying to will-myself to just get the filming done; even though I was not at a capacity to “go there”. That was a mistake. Pushing through at all costs to complete work in a physically and mentally demanding job, is how burnout happens. And please make no mistake, porn IS a very psychologically and physically demanding job. I know the amateur porn scene is experienced from a viewer's standpoint to be “spontaneous and real” but sorry...cats out the bag! All porn is performative. Even for erotic content creators who love their jobs...burnout is a real thing. Burnout is not just “a lot of stress”; burnout is a psychological state where the body and mind can’t keep going. Burnout can cause accidents…*like busting open your face and ruining white bed linens.* There is this interesting insight, a brief moment, a quick flicker on screen, you’ll miss it if you blink! when someone crying looks so devastatingly beautiful. As a self-portrait artist, I saw this moment watching the post-camera-incident-meltdown-video playback. I saw the moment I wanted to give up and permanently walk away from my career. I watched the video of me crying talking about how I need a job where I am not obligated to sexualize my body when I do not feel sexual, a different job that doesn’t make me feel pressured and guilty for needing to take a break; knowing that even a few hours not posting has detrimental effects on my income. That I need a job that doesn’t trigger me and leave me feeling depleted. I played back this video a few times. The third time it was emotional to see myself this way. My flushed face, wet eyes with all this emotion, like looking at a wild animal. The glowing skin across my cheekbones in the sunlight I’d been trying to capture before it all went wrong...the drying red smear across my nose and cheek. I recognized what I was watching, that I had unintentionally captured a real raw emotion. I immediately thought I wanted to share it here! What else does an artist want than to happen across the occasions when we successfully capture “it”! I will not be sharing that video with you. Photos and film clips like that are too raw, too intimate and this (OnlyFans) isn’t the platform for that genre of art. When I first joined OnlyFans almost two years ago, the original plan was to make art; I was going to flex my creativity as a multidisciplinary artist. What I set out to create here *never included becoming a full time “pornographer”*. I wanted to make erotic and sensual art, I didn’t necessarily want to make “porn”. I wanted to express myself creatively through pornographic images, but not necessarily “produce pornos”. My original intention on OnlyFans was to explore intimacy and authenticity, and share my sensuality through multi-media with my fans. (*scroll way back to the beginning, you’ll find one of my first posts talking about this*.) Above I was explaining the thought process I was verbally having while crying on camera in pain…I said that “making content depletes me, triggers me, I feel pressured”. Those are big statements, and generally speaking **NOT** what the *typical porn-consumer* wants to learn about their favourite pornographer. But **two truths**: you reading this are not the *typical porn-consumer* and after taking a couple days to reflect I am in-fact NOT triggered making content. *I enjoy this work and value my fans. I want to continue in this space. I intend to reach my personal and financial goals through this work!* It is true though, that my PTSD is sometimes triggered through sex work, specifically through this work. This happens when I am not creating from a place of authenticity. When I am forcîng an explicit scene but I am not feeling sexual. Or making content when I do not have the emotional and mental capacity to share that deeply of myself with strangers and my fan base. The amateur porn scene is tricky and content creating in general is a whole lot. In this world everything is on the table, nothing is off limits. All private moments during personal trips, private moments alone in bed, or with our parters...any and all opportunity to turn something intimate into a photo-op or video reel to post publicly for monetization. Like privacy doesn't exist, like nothing is sacred anymore. This urge to turn everything into "content" can lead to feeling utterly depleted and navigating that emotion can be difficult. This conflict becomes then about establishing work/life boundaries and the need to sometimes share less. Yesterday was a special kind of balmy winter day in Portugal. I met friends down by the waterfront for drinks and one of them seeing the crusty scab above my lip teased me, asking if I’d gotten in a fight? “*Goddamn fucking porn. Can you believe this? I hope it doesn’t leave a scar*” .- “*giiiirl, what you won’t do for $20 bucks!*”. We all laughed, but I paused to think about that. *What is success? Who am I if I am not being desired? What is my worth if not directly tied to a tip?* This work can really fuck with your mental health if you’re not careful to practice consistent care or self. I thought about this the last few days. I read over notes from sessions with my business coach, who I recently started working with some weeks ago. She has been vital in helping me reevaluate where I am trying to take my business(es), both here on OF and in my projects outside of the sex industry. What I have come to realize is that across the last two years, I think I got off track trying to replicate the business model of other content creators vs. doing what is right for me. Building a business model that is in alignment for me and my health journey, my business goals, incorporating what feeds me creatively. I want to circle back to my original vision for OnlyFans or at least a version of it. I want to focus more time and energy to creating fewer but *higher quality* erotic short films. In recently months I have become obsessed with learning film photography. I already create analog strip film art (which I sell on my website) but I don't know about cameras, about film types, processing. You can catch me most days down a rabbit hole watching youtube videos trying to soak up information, even though I don't own a film camera yet. I want to start incorporating film photography here. Actual analog film! But analog film self-portraiture...such a technically skilled and difficult art form. Shooting porn on real film, shipping it to another country to have it processed, then digitizing it to be viewed here on OF?! Honestly it's a lofty and bonkers concept! But it would be a thrilling project series to see through as an artist. I want to really lean into making erotic art, not just naked content. I want to create a body of work I am really proud of. I want my fans to feel like they connect to what I’m doing here. If this cut on my face becomes a scar, I’ll get to look at it every day as a reminder to honor my own boundaries. Not so bad I guess. **Thank you for reading**. Special thank you to my **OG crew** who has been here subscribed for 6 consecutive months, 12 consecutive months...been here since the very beginning. I am grateful for you. **ps.** *if you want to put me on in a serious way, there are a couple vintage analog film cameras (**Mamiya RZ67 Pro and the Elmo Super 8 1012S Xl**) on my wishlist linked in bio. I cannot begin exploring film photography until I have an analog camera. What a gift that would make in my growth as an artist, having beautiful tools to learn with.*
