Take a walk in my mind:
Manic because I want to do everythi..
🕑 Added 2022-07-21 16:16:10 +0000 UTC
Take a walk in my mind:
Manic because I want to do everything I can to change the world because the world we live in isn't one I want to stick around for.
Depressed because I know I can't change the world so I focus on bettering myself and no matter how hard I try I don't feel like I belong here.
Bipolar constantly.
But I stick around because I won't leave this world adding to the tragedy and sorrow. I'll live out this life and try to make the best of it as I have been all this time.
Three decades. I've almost been here three decades now. That's not very long, yet I'm already exhausted from existence.
There's so much happening and before we never had access to it all so quickly.
We find out about more traumatizing information quicker than we can process and wonder why so many of us disassociate.
I hate social media but the addiction to staying connected and the guilt for stepping away and practicing privilege to find peace for some time are overwhelming.
But rest is productive. And all I want to do by 1 or 2pm everyday is rest. Sometimes I don't make it until 9am before I'm fatigued and ready for the day to be done.
Every suicide I hear of I feel terrible for the loved ones left behind and simultaneously feel so much understanding for why someone might reach that edge and be unable to step back from it.
The world is shedding its skin and it's ugly and gruesome and slow and infested with parasites; a process no one wants to witness let alone be a part of.
Not to mention we've allowed our world to sink so deeply into so many areas of darkness that it's going to take years well past this lifetime to balance.
So for many, what's the point?
For me the point is, we spend so much time running away from the work needed to be done to heal ourselves, our communities, our cities, our regions, our environments, our planet... that the darkness swallows whatever we step away from. "Someone else will do it." More than likely, someone else is thinking the same.
And I don't want to leave this world any darker than it already has become.
For me the point is, I love my mother and my father and my sisters and my partner and my friends far too much to add that to the misery they have to deflect or choose to make space for in these overwhelming times.
I admire the people who aren't nearly as sensitive as myself, but I empathize greatly for those who are and I will never blame anyone who taps out.
Is it selfish? Yes. But is it also selfish to wish to have prolonged someone's suffering? There's nothing YOU could have done and that's okay. Accept that and honor the person you lost by allowing yourself to grieve but also making space for peace and gratitude that their suffering is over.
Some may believe in reincarnation, that by tapping out they've abandoned their dharma and that may be so. Then be at peace with that. Be at peace knowing they will be reborn to have another chance at the lessons they felt they could not face.
Some may believe in heaven and hell and that their loved one will not be welcome through the pearly gates. I cannot imagine your God would turn away someone who suffered so deeply. I imagine he would wrap them up in love and say, "you're safe now, you don't have to hurt anymore."
Some may believe that their loved one's energy pours back into the world. All the love they shared, all the kindness, and all the pain too, everything spreading itself out. Their happiness gracing the ones that brought them joy. Their sadness washing over those who hurt them. That all energy is infinite and their essence will forever linger and churn and channel with the frequencies that surround and vibrate within us.
We can only hope that those who feel like they no longer want to live find the courage and power to create a new life for themselves here, in this realm, in this world.
It's what I'm currently doing. I so constantly feel that mania and depression I first mentioned. I don't want to be so angry anymore. I don't want to be so sad anymore. I want to honor my being and keep space for this whole human experience, the good and the bad, but for almost all of my life that I remember, I've not felt like I belong. Even in the moments of happiness, I rarely felt as though I was where I was meant to continue investing myself and sharing my energy.
So I'm showing up to new spaces. I'm trying to cultivate new income. I'm reevaluating who I consider to be community. I'm slowly but surely killing myself. And I need to put it that way because terrifyingly often, I truly don't want to be alive. It scares the fuck out of me.
I won't leave this world darker than it already is.
I'm finding my light again, rebuilding my beacon, and will shine brighter than these shadows.
Part of me wrote all of this because I want anyone who feels similarly to know they are not alone.
Part of me wrote this for those who are grieving the life of someone who took it on their own
Another part of me just wants to feel understood.
